torsdag 29. desember 2011

Project Beardlog / Prosjekt Skjegglogg.

So in the past I've always been telling people that my facial hair growth is pretty fast. And I decided that once and for all that I wanted to document this.
I hate having to do a clean shave, but I decided that if I did it a week before Christmas I was certain it would have grown back out by then.

So here it is, a visual log over my beard growth over the course of 7 days.
Not counting the day I do a complete clean shave. It can't exactly have grown much in those minutes from the shave to the pictures.

So that is one week from complete shave until a full beard again.

Also, all the pictures were taken around the same time each day (18:00ish)

mandag 19. desember 2011

"Do yourself a favor, don't fall for me."

I pride myself in my ability to make others feel good about themselves.
Sometimes, unfortunately, it seems some miss interpret my well meaning friendly gestures as something more, and start getting feelings for me. Unfounded feelings.
This is why I have a phrase I quite often say when ever I get to know someone new, and that is "Do yourself a favor, don't fall for me." This is something I've been saying, and meaning for many years now.

Now some might read this and think "man this guy is a douchebag for believing everyone falls for him." Well, I can quite literally off the top of my head mention 14 seperate cases over the past 6 years where this exact thing has happened, so my saying this is quite well founded.

Regardless, when ever this happens, most of the time it ends up with someone getting hurt because I quite honestly don't feel the same way as they apparently feel for me.
This again makes me feel bad because I have to say let these people know that I don't feel the same way, and that in turn hurts their feelings. And I hate having to hurt someones feelings.

I can't say I don't enjoy it. I mean I enjoy the feeling of having someone else feel good about themselves because of something I say/do. This is for instance why I love giving gifts that are special and bring up memories that me and that person have in common. Something personal.

Is this selfish behaviour, I am starting to wonder?
It's definitely not selfless behaviour. I do gain something from it, right, so does that mean it's selfish of me to give compliments and generally be nice to someone?

It's not like I don't warn them.
It's often one of the first things I say to pretty much anyone.
Then again, perhaps me saying "do yourself a favor and don't fall for me" is the exact reason why they do? Some kind of bizzare reverse psychology. I don't know. I really have no idea.

Sometimes, though, I do get to know these people more intimately and I sometimes develope feelings for them as well. But is this because of the returned well meaning friendly gestures or are these feelings truly founded in something more?

I wish I knew where the line is supposed to be drawn.
Not out of the desire to avoid stepping over it accidentaly.
But because I in certain cases wish I could do it, just to see their reactions when they knew I had stepped over the line. To me that would be a more clearly defined indication of whether or not the feelings are well founded or if they are fleeting.

One of the biggest issues is the fact that I'm actually not that nice of a person once you get to know me, and the fact is that most of the time they fall for the "Idea" of Alex rather than the actual person Alex.
I try to tell them this but, that rarely really sticks. Bah.

lørdag 3. desember 2011

Just one of those days..

I came home from work around 04:00 last night. I put on an episode of Stargate Universe (S01E03) and watched that while winding down from a long, tiresome day at work. One of the last segments of that episode contained a song which I looked up and found, I listened to it a few times as I was falling asleep. 06:00ish.

I woke up around 12:00 today, and the first thing I did after the obligatory social media sites check was to listen to that song again, which kind of set the mood for the rest of the day.

After having spent a few hours just browsing the internet listening to that song I expanded and found a few more songs of the same artist and I ported them over to my phone. Then, music in my ears, I went out for a long walk in the windy, autumn weather just being a hairs width from breaking into tears as I was walking, looking up at the clouded sky, at the crows soaring above, finding profoundness in almost anything I saw.

I walked to my mother's gallery where I sat for 30 minutes talking to her and a friend of hers. I just want to say that I love my mother so much, even though she'll never read this. Cowardice.
After spending some time there, she was closing up the gallery and I headed back home. I spent some time taking the long route back before I went by a shop and bought some stuff for dinner.

The time is now around 16:00

At home I walk into the kitchen, music still in my ears, turn on the lights and the light bulb blows out.
Typical. So I light up a whole lot of candles and place around the kitchen.
I continue to cook up a nice dinner, then I move the candles over to my room and set up a couple episodes of SG:U. I eat, I watch them. This is the first moment of the day I wasn't listening to that music.

The episodes play.
I get a few texts roll in, I talk to a few people and someone commented that I seemed quiet today.
I answered by saying "it's just one of those days". That show is truly beautiful by the way.

The episodes end.
I turn the music back on.
Check Facebook again. Answer a few YouTube comments. respond to texts and Facebook chat.

The time is now about 19:00.
I lay down in bed, music playing, surrounded by candles and I just stay there, listening, thinking, watching as the candles flicker out one by one.

I post on Facebook using my phone that it's "one of those days where I just really need a hug".
Shortly after I get lots of comments, Facebook chatter, text messages and steam PM's letting me know that they're there for me, giving me hugs.
And for the first time today, I smiled.. and cried.

Just one of those days..